Style Guide: How To Dress For The Beach If You’re Fat

Remember six months ago when you were like “I am so gonna hit the gym hardcore and get a six-pack by June.” Well, you instead spent that six months wrapped up in an endless k-hole of Mad Men, Game of Thrones, and Girls (it’s ok dude, we secretly watch that too). Besides, how could you stick to a strict diet of baby carrots, kale, and braised quinoa when you absolutely had to try brand new delicacies like the Doritos shell taco and a bacon sundae?
Trust us. We feel your pain. The last six-pack we ever had was also something we drank while watching the NBA Finals, and the only weight we’ve been pushing lately involved getting our fat asses to lunch. If you feel like your body isn’t quite beach ready yet, we’ve got you covered. Here’s our Style Guide: How To Dress For The Beach If You’re Fat.

Wear Dark Colors

You’ve heard it before, and that’s because it’s true: dark, solid colors are your best friend. Does that mean you have to rock all black everything? Not at all. Opt for navy and shades of gray and charcoal too. The point is, you don’t want to draw attention to the pudge, and subtle, solid colors won’t be loud enough to turn your muffin top into a cupcake. 

 

Avoid Tank Tops

Do yourself a favor and just don’t wear one. These look best on dudes with muscle definition in their arms and a slight build. You’ll look like you’re smuggling two Vienna sausages you’ve stolen from some poor boardwalk vendor. Accept the fact that you just can’t wear one without looking like an herb and get on with your life.

 

Longer Board Shorts

Don’t rock swim trunks. The elastic hem is not your best friend. Consider a proper pair of board shorts with a longer inseam of around 9 inches. Make sure they still hit just above the knee so you don’t look like you still live in the ’90s. These seersucker versions are summer appropriate, and the vertical stripes have the opposite effect of horizontal stripes: they’re slimming and will make you appear taller, not wider.

 

V-Neck T-Shirts

Consider ditching the crewneck tees for a slimming v-neck. You don’t want to get a deep v though, those are gross. A v-neck will slim your neckline and also give you a little more room to breathe. Stock up on them in basic white or darker colors like navy and gray.

 

Hawaiian Shirts

Yeah, portly guys and Hawaiian shirts have been going well together for years, and that hasn’t changed. You just have to make sure to get one in a modern fit that doesn’t look like it was a hand me down from dad or made by Tommy Bahama. Reyn Spooner’s modern collection offers a variety of fits and fabrics that wouldn’t look out of place off the beach either. This Halu’a Pua shirt has the benefit of a subdued floral pattern and slimming vertical stripes. Consider it a two-fer.

 

Wear Undershirts

Chances are, you’re gonna be sweating a lot in the summer. You know what really helps? Undershirts. Stock up on a few basic white tees and wear them underneath your button downs (for the beach, that means madras and other lightweight fabrics). They’ll wick away moisture and actually help keep you cool.

 

Make Sure Things Fit

Bigger guys often make the mistake of either buying clothes too big thinking it’ll make them look smaller. No, you shouldn’t have to squeeze in to a smaller size, just wear what actually fits you. The shoulder stitches should sit on your shoulders, and yes, your gut might be a little visible, but that’s because you have one, and there ain’t no hiding it. Whether it’s board shorts or a T-shirt, stuff just has to fit right. You don’t want your shorts to be too big that they’ll easily come off in the water, and you don’t want to be swimming in your tee, either.

 

Stand Up Straight

Great posture does wonders for the body, in addition to tightening your core muscles (you know, that area where your six-pack would be had it not been for genetics and/or a steady diet of deep-fried Snickers bars), it just feels better, makes you look more confident, and yes, a little thinner.

 

Keep Your Shirt On ‘Til You Hit The Water

Ashamed of your moobs while your buddies are tossing the frisbee by the beach? Are they as bad as Jack Nicholson’s? Feel free to keep your shirt on, but at the very least take it off before you dive in the water. Nothing’s more of a dead giveaway that you’re a dude insecure with his body than the token chubby guys with soaked shirts. It’s the ocean bro. It doesn’t judge you. If you’re that self-conscious, maybe the next tip will help the most.

 

Embrace It, Or Lose It

The point is, there might be a few ways to make you look thinner, but once that shirt comes off and it’s just you and your bathing suit, there’s no hiding anything except the stuff that you’ll probably get a ticket for showing the world. So have fun anyway, or start deciding that you’re going to run a few laps. Alternately, you could just do you, pop open a couple of brews, eat a burger off the grill, and just have a damn good time at the beach. There is no correct body type for partying. So stop being embarassed by your body and instead just start being funny.